"I'm a perfectionist...
I like to perfect things before I allow other people to see my progress.
The good thing about that is no one can counter against my progress until its too late.
The bad thing about it is if I don't feel my progress is adequate enough, my work will never be seen."
Quick Insight Before You Judge Me
I've been from the streets to the top, then back to the streets. I was a bad azz but smart child. I never got caught :) and yes I'm sneaky til this day. I started smoking weed at 13...I mean smoke though, like 7 blunts a day with my friends. I smoked all through high school and of course, I still smoke weed. I just never seen anything wrong with smoking. For me personally, it calms my insanity. Ne wayz, I started early so of course I was promiscuous - yea u know what I'm talking bout. I was attracted to the street life so I loved dope boys. The dope boy attitude, the dope boy life, the drugs, the fast cars (oh I love racing cars too...sidenote), oh and the fast money.
Its like I always had an alter-ego. I always kept my family looking at the "good" me but my niggas, they knew what it was. The only time my family seen my "bad" side was when I was angry and I still have anger issues but it takes alot to actually piss me the fukk off. Once I'm mad tho, its O-V-A. Okay, back to the subject.
My "good" side always kept my "bad" side balanced, its a libra thing . Everyone knows me for sleeping in class every day so when I walked, everyone gasped cuz I was at the top of my class. Well surprise, I don't praise dumbness. I'm actually intrigued by finding out the truth of life. I just self-teach myself pretty much everything so I slept during class but taught myself at home. Shyt no one can teach me what a fukking book says, I can do that my damn self and I've always had that attitude. It's like why expect someone to teach you something and the sources they use to teach you are right in your face. Just lazy, just lazy or slow. Pick one.
My "bad side"...shyt, people fear my little azz. They say I'm crazy but really I just have no limitations. I'd never try to bully anyone or prove to be a bad azz. Just don't threaten me, my life, or my family. I really will die bout mine's. If you live for nothing, you'll die for anything. If you live for any and everything, you'll die for nothing. I live for me, my life, & my family...no if, ands, buts, about it. Its like when I believe in something or someone, I'll give it all just to see a little bit of progression. So yea you'll still hear bout me scrapping with some lil bytch or azz-hole every now and then for testing my patience. All I can say is "its just the thug in me".
Now you know a lil bit about me, I can continue with my failures and success in life because right now I'm trying to figure out if anything I do is good enough.
I seriously bust my azz to even get a small piece of recognition. I'm starting to feel like all odds are against. I'm on some me against the world shyt right now and I know my hearts better than that.
In basketball, I was the first one at practice & the first one to leave. I literally MADE 2000 shots per day; I don't count misses, remember - I'm a perfectionist. Still til this day, my wrist aches at times but my fukking coach still had the audacity to treat me lesson than a human being when I was the starting pg. In all honesty, I just wanted to feel appreciated and recognized for something for a change. I could've been overly sensitive but I was in Kentucky with no family or friends...not emotionally wanting to be there already and Coach Bernedette Mattox grilling my azz all day.
I can never forget this...It was labor day weekend and I was driving back from visiting my family. See every 3 day weekend off season which is Labor Day Weekend & Christmas, I tried to visit home because one I was missing civilization and two I'm a mama's girl. Now taking a 12 hr drive there and a 12 hr drive back means, 24 hrs of driving at the least. So that means, 2 days to visit everyone I hadn't seen since forever. My retarded azz, didn't get but 2 hrs of sleep and tried to drive back. I was nodding the entire time, in and out. I was just praying, "Lord please let me make it back." I nodded for the last time and when I opened my eyes and was running into a ditch. Suddenly, my vehicle starts flipping. I just closed my eyes and started praying. On the last flip, the car landed on the roof and kept sliding towards a big cement wall at the end of the ditch. I prayed aloud "Lord please stop this car" and the car just haulted. [omg, I need a slight break cuz this is overwhelming to even reminisce about *sighing*]
The car finally stopped but I was still upside down. The windows were busted on the driver side & I didn't have on a seat belt so I just crawled out. Spectators were running to the car and checking me....when I tell you the highway was lined with people pulled over trying to help me or just be nosy, it was crazy. My eyes were blurry cuz they were full of tears. I actually was alive. Blood was everywhere. I actually was alive. Fluid from the car was everywhere and overwhelmed my sense of smell [at times I smell a certain vehicle scent and I'll have flash backs]. I was actually alive. My arms were bleeding...blood was on my face and glass was all in my hair so of course I had cuts on my scalp. The ambulance pulls up & takes over. I'm just looking while they're asking questions. I guess I was shocked. My moms comes to pick me up and I fly back in to Kentucky a week later.
I had injuries primarily to my ribs; major bruising but nothing broke and all my body parts were still attached, thank God. I'm still amazed I survived that accident. As soon as I get to Kentucky, training had already started so I was behind on weight training, endurance, etc but I wasn't released by the doctor yet so I couldn't start either. After a week, Coach Mattox starts nagging & complaining, why you still haven't been released...you're just being a baby...just a whole lot of bs considering I was traumatized and hurting. I said fukk it and started back before I was released.
When I tell you she nagged me, I was like WTF...and this is just a small example on how she pushed me away from even wanting to play for her. She always made me feel like anything I ever did, just wasn't good enough. That's the worst feeling in the world to feel like nothing when you're giving your all. *sighing*
I just don't get it...whether its been the past or present...I just never feel appreciated for anything I do and I do alot. Everyone I know can vouch for me on that but its like everyone wants to take and take and take and not one time think of giving back. I don't care what you believe you are obligated to give back, especially to the people who help you or make you look good. One of my favorite quotes explains it all:
"People aren't against you, they're merely for themselves."
What A Damn Shame smh
To Be Continued On Part 2
I Really Do Miss My UK Fam Though
Sincerely, The Truth Hurts
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